I Wasn’t Treating My Wife Fairly and It wasn’t Fair

I Wasn’t Treating My Wife Fairly and It wasn’t Fair

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you have a problem. I did this so many times and I saw close relations do the same thing. So I just decided to write down what I Felt.

The big Revelation happened because of two packets of Milk. It is generally my job as the man of the house to get the shopping done and make sure that the pantry and deli stocks are filled up.

One evening when I was home after a long day of work, my wife ( by far my better half) had gone out for a stroll in the park. I just realized that the milk was about to finish. So I called her.

ME: Hello Darling

WIFE: Hello Sweetheart

Me: Hey we are running out of milk, can you grab some on your way back

WIFE: Sure Hubby, Anything for you!

ME: Cool! See you soon Bye!

WIFE: Bye!

So after about 30 min when she got home, she put the bag on the kitchen counter , while I was talking to her I pulled the milk out of the bag to put them in the refrigerator. I realized that she had gotten the full cream milk.

I asked her “What is this”

And she replied with a smile its milk honey as you had asked.

"You didn't get the right kind," I said.

"I didn't?" she replied with his brow furrowed. “Was there some other brand you wanted or something?"

"No. You're missing the point”, I said. “You got the full cream milk. I always get at least the toned milk."

She laughed. "Oh. That's all? I thought I'd really messed up or something."

This is how it started, I launched into her like it was the end of the world, I started nagging her for not being smart. Why wouldn’t she get the more healthy option, why is that I can’t trust her? Do I really have to spell everything out to get it right or do it myself? And the thing that offended me the most was why the hell, does she not observes. How could she have not noticed over the years what I always get. Is she even paying any attention to the things I do?

As she sat there uncomfortably bearing the brunt of my nagging and muttering replies like, “ I don’t think it’s such a big deal” and “ I will get it right the next time”, I saw her face take an expression that I had seen on her quite a few times now. It was a combination of “resignation” and “demoralization”. She was about to have tears in her eyes and that’s when it hit me HARD, What the HELL am I doing and why am I doing this. I am not her mom and she is not a 5 year old who has just broken my phone.

I suddenly felt terrible and embarrassed for myself. She was right. It really wasn't anything to get bent out of shape over. And there I was doing just that. Over a silly pack of milk, that she bought just like I asked. If I had specific requirements, I should have been clearer. I didn't know how to gracefully extract myself from the conversation without coming across like I have some kind of split personality, so I just mumbled something like, "Yeah I guess we'll make do with this.”

She seemed relieved it was over and left.

And then I just sat there pondering upon what had just happened. And it hit me, this was not the first time I had been rude to her and scolded her for not doing something that way I THOUGHT it should have been done. She always messes up, puts things at the wrong places or neglects something and I am there to point it out to her.

Why in GOD’s Name am I doing that. How does it benefit me to consistently downgrade my wife? The women I have taken as my life partner. The women I want to spend the rest of my life with. Why am I trying to change the way she does every little thing.

Does it give me a sense of Power or Pride or Accomplishment? Clearly not if I feel I have to keep doing it. And what gives me the idea that she has a photographic memory and will always remember every tiny detail and observe everything. The moment she does something different, why does it become wrong? When did “My Way” become the only way? When did it become ok to constantly correct her and nag her as if her entire life was a sequence of mistakes and nothing more?And how does it help her, I am pretty sure she does not think that, “WOW, I am so glad he was there to save my Skin”. I think it just makes her think that the best approach towards things is to either stop doing those things or avoid me altogether.

This incident got me thinking, and took me back to some petty incidents that had happened earlier

#1 I went into the kitchen and found that the garbage bags were all packed and the bin had a new bag in it. I was impressed as that’s generally my job. As I was there the next morning I saw a small shard of glass near the dustbin. When I asked her why didn’t she tell me, she just replied I didn’t want you to get a FIT over it, That’s why I cleaned it up and threw it, and packed the garbage bags before you could see anything.

#2 the other day again with the trash, I was giving it to the trash collector and I saw a pair of green socks, (the best part, they belonged to her ( being sarcastic here)) and I asked her why was she throwing them. She said,” They accidently got in with my green dress. Every time I wash clothes, you feel the inborn urge to remind me not to mix colours and whites, I did not want you to see these and reinforce your belief that I can’t wash clothes.”

So I had already reached a point where she felt the better thing to do rather the plain easier thing to do was to either cover up or avoid me altogether. What kind of environment have I created where she feels she is not allowed to make mistakes?

Now let’s look at these so called BLUNDERS, a broken glass, a pair of socks, both are common mistakes that anyone could make. Hell I have broken so may glasses over the years and washed clothes destroying the entire wash load. But ME is ME, I went on and gave her the sermon on being clumsy for breaking the glass, and for the socks even though she had clearly mentioned that it was a mistake. I went on with a verbal lesson for being more careful next time. Every time I give her the piece of my mind, she sits there and takes it and at the end of it says may be I don’t know how to do it, or:” may be it just doesn’t matter that much to me”

Now I know what she means is, “darling don’t worry, it’s not such a big deal”, But what I heard because of my Ignorance was “I don’t care about your happiness and doing things they way they should be done”

What kind of message does this constant nagging send; it says “we don't respect you. We don't think you're smart enough to do things right. We expect you to mess up. And when you do, we will be there to batter you." Given this kind of negative reinforcement over time, she feels like nothing she can do is right (in your eyes). If she's confident with herself and who she is, she'll come to resent you. If she's at all unsure about herself, she'll start to believe you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Neither one is a desirable or beneficial outcome to you, her or the marriage.

When I ask this question - Did my wife do the same to me, when I destroyed the complete load of whites with my green handkerchief, or when I made a mess in the kitchen after making a cup of tea and leaving the kitchen as if the third world war had been just fought there? I realized she did not display the same behavior towards me.

It got a chill up my spine just thinking what would have happened if the shoe was on the other foot and she would have made those mistakes

So is she just a better person than me. Why does she not bite my head off when I don’t do the things the way she likes? I would be a DUMB ASS to think that it does not happen. And yet I don’t remember her ever calling me a dumb head, or nagging at me. But, why the hell not?

May be I need to realize that these little things don’t actually matter. They are not important enough to her to start a fight. It certainly does not make her LAZY, Incapable of Learning, or she just doesn’t give a dam about my happiness. It’s just that she is not concerned with every freaking little detail as I am. And that’s why she does not freak out when she is on the other side of the fence.

The bottom line is I chose her as my partner, she is NOT my servant, she’s not my employee, and she’s not my child. I don’t think she was stupid when I married her, otherwise I would not have married her. She does not need to be reprimanded by me, because I don’t like the way she does some things.

When I got to that point mentally, it made me think of the good things about her, she’s Intelligent, she’s an awesome person, she’s devoted, she’s amazing with my parents, she’s a wonderful cook, she always takes care of the house even though she works the same hours as me, Even More she never gives me grief when I do things differently, or maybe not as she would do, she’s always been agreeable to my way of doing things, for the most part of it she tries to remember whenever I like to do things in a certain way, instead of focusing on these wonderful things I just hone in on the negative and again I know I am not alone.

If we keep attempting to make our wives feel small, inapt, foolish, incompetent because she occasionally messes up or does things differently than us, then eventually they are going to stop trying to do things or worse they would start thinking those labels are true

In my case I am talking about my wife of 6 years. The same women who thanklessly cooks for me even though she has a headache, the person who stayed overnight at the hospital when my sister was sick, the women who doesn’t give up trying to cook something different for me just to see a smile of appreciation

She knows how to cook, she knows how to clean, she keeps the house in order, she prays for me, she waits for me for dinner, she loves it when I make a useless cup of tea and smiles, she makes sure that I remember the birthdays of my relatives, she hugs me even though I don’t hug her back. I usually can’t (or don’t) do most, rather any of those things. And yet I give her grief about a dish out of place or a colored sock. She is an awesome woman and does not deserve to be harassed over petty things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of things

Since my revelation, I try to catch myself whenever I try to become the self proclaimed guru of “it’s either my way or the highway” I am not 100% consistent but I know I am on the right path to improvement, I am still a work in progress and have seen that a small change has made a big difference in our relationship. Things seem more relaxed, we seem to be communication rather than cribbing. We seem to be more trusted partners; an unseen uncommon faith has started developing between us. I have come to understand and accept that sometimes her way of doing things may be the better way

It takes two to make a partnership. No one is always right and no one is always wrong. And you're not always going to see eye-to-eye on every little thing. It doesn't make you smarter, or superior, or more right to point out every little thing she does that's not to your liking. Guys, just remember its just milk